At least for me.
Let's make one thing clear: I HATE Valentine's Day. Probably unreasonably so, but I hate nonetheless. The idea that once every year we should shell out money for expensive flowers, fancy dinners and flaunt how "in love" you are with your "sweetheart" makes me so angry. Probably because I spent many a Valentine's Day alone. I would plan super extravagant ways to convince the "girl of my dreams" to fall in like with me only to be spend Valentine's Day with a nice steak dinner with my parents.
Admittedly, I enjoyed the idea of being a hopeless romantic who was constantly spurned by the girl he would one day marry.
Then I grew up and realized that Valentine's Day is quite possibly the worst holiday ever. Don't get me wrong. I did drop a few bucks on some choice Fillet Mignons so that my lady could have a good Valentine's Day, but I openly let her know that I do it because I love HER and not this Hallmark created Valentine's Day.
Now that you have the prologue, let us return to our regularly scheduled blog post.
This particular one takes place during my Sophomore year. You may recall that I spent this year as an R.A. super cop. I loved my job and the people I worked with. Together we kept our home, Lawless Lawton, safe from those who would break the rules and ruin things for everyone.
You see, Anderson has a rule when it comes to visiting members of the opposite sex known as RSVP. Basically, this is a time when girls and guys can go into each others dorm rooms and socialize, within reason. Valentine's Day was, for obvious reasons, the most popular RSVP time and the day many would try and break the rules.
I was scheduled to have RSVP duty that day, due to my lack of having a girlfriend. RSVP duty was hit or miss. On one hand, you could have a lot of fun! Friends would come sit with you as you checked people into other people's rooms and a small party could be had. This was not the case. For those who did not feel like going to their rooms because their roommates were with someone, they decided to stay in the lobby...with me....cuddling.
I'm not a huge fan of PDA and for someone who hates V-Day like I do, this just made it even worse. Still, I played on my computer and chatted up a couple of my single friends while I made my usual rounds every hour and a half. This was a part of the job that was not so bad. It gave me a chance to socialize with people who were spending their time studying (like my roommate Sam) or to visit my friend Jonesy (who was in the middle of the Hawkins Watch Wars).
When I left my suitemates, I made my way down to the rest of the first floor (which was my territory).
Pause.
I should mention that my floor was made up of three distinct factions:
Faction #1- The Council
Faction #2- The B.O.A.R.D
Faction #3- Scary Larry and the Spooky Kids
You all know the first two, but this is your first taste of Scary Larry and the Spooky Kids. At Anderson, interracial dating meant one of two things: 1) The two couples REALLY liked each other and really wanted to date. 2) The white girls wanted to sleep with the black guys to make their dad's jealous. When option 2 came up, it was usually the basketball players who helped satisfy any mandingo fantasies the good, southern, white GRITS (Girls Raised In The South) wanted. Scary Larry was the name of the head of the Spooky Kids. His real name escapes me, but I had already vanquished him prior to this encounter and because of that, I was public enemy number 1 to the Spooky Kids (which was great, since it was my link to being considered, at the very least, a friend to The B.O.A.R.D). The Spooky Kids all lived in the same suite and were known to break rules ALL THE TIME.
Sadly, I was unable to catch them in the act until that night.
I went into their suite trying my best not to linger. I was not afraid of them, but my annoyance with the day already had me riled up and I did NOT want to get into a physical fight like I had with Scary Larry (more on that another day). I was about to leave when I heard the sound of a girl laughing in the room of a Spooky Kid.
Now, up until that point, I had only one bust under my belt and that was with assistance. This would be my first solo takedown. I quickly ran outside so they would not hear me call the RSVP worker (a part timer who simply wrote down who was in the dorms) and ask if there was anyone in that room. The worker responded on the walkie talkie: no.
I took a deep breath and proceeded back into the suite and knocked on the door. The door opened and what did I see, but some "gentlewoman" eating a bag of cheese-its. I walked across the threshold to find her, two Spooky Kids, and a girl named "Nikita" all sitting around listening to music. Spooky Kid #1 turned off the music and asked what was the problem. I told him that he was not allowed to have a girl in the room if she did not check in. Cheese-its girl rolled her eyes and proceeded to the lobby before I could tell her that it was too late: they had been busted and she was going to be ban from the dorms. I took down everyone's names, but when I got to "cheese-its", the young "gentleman" refused to tell me!
He looked a little like this:
So I rolled my eyes as "cheese-it" walked back in. The conversation went a little like this:
"I need your name," I said.
"Why you need my name?!" she said in the countriest accent you can think of.
"Because I am writing everyone up and I need your name to finish my report."
She looked me up and down as if she were plotting how to best attack me.
This was me:
"What's your name?" she asked.
It took me a second to respond for you see, I actually have a very violent and nasty temper. Most people don't see it because it hurts me to ever give into that anger. I usually walk away or try to diffuse the situation before I get really angry. In my mind my response was not one that befits the type of person I am, but just know it looked something like this.
I politely responded, "Marcus." Cheese-It gave me her name, I wrote it down, and she left saying something about grabbing her ID from the "white boy at the front." I proceeded to tell Spooky #1 what was going to happen next when Cheese-It returned.
"Who is your boss!?"
What the damn hell?! I thought to myself.
Who was THIS girl to ask me ANYTHING!? So I told her,
"You want to me my boss?"
"Yeah, n**$#! Who is your boss!?"
I smiled,
And told her I would take her to him to which she refused. Knowing my way around Lawton better than her, I beat her to my "pseudo-boss" for the evening. My normal boss, B.G., was out on the town with his wife and so I had a replacement go-to boss. I met her at his apartment on the second floor and politely introduced them. I explained the situation and my P.B. told her the SAME THING I did.
She looked at him.
Looked at me.
Looked back at him.
Looked at me.
Back to him and said:
Just kidding.
What she really said was: "Are you his boss?"
My P.B. felt like he was in groundhogs day when he replied, "Uhm...yeah?"
That was all she needed to hear to go on a tirade about how Anderson was the worst college and that was why she left. She hated the school and the teachers and black guys who served white masters. How I had a Napoleon complex and how much of an asshole I was because she couldn't "get it in" tonight. I proceeded to gleefully write up my report since RSVP was, thankfully, over when Steven came strolling into Sam and I's room.
"Holy shi*t!" he exclaimed. "There's some girl out there who's really angry about some guy named Marcus! Is that you?!"
As I've said: Steven's an idiot.
I told Steven the same story I have just told you and it has become tradition to share that story with as many people as I can in order to warn them about the dangers of V-Day!
I hope all of you have a wonderful Valentine's Day, but don't get sucked into the hype.
If you ARE single during this Valentine's Day, consider yourself lucky that your day can spent at home watching Netflix instead of being called an "Assshole with a Napoleon Complex."
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